Mr. Romeo (1974) – a trippy masala trip!

MEN, BEWARE! If you accidentally soil your new suit at a party, do NOT go into the nearest bathroom for emergency repairs. That way lies seduction, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. - in fact all the makings of a ruined life! This can happen to the saintliest of men, as you can see in Mr. Romeo. So do take care!

It all began when hardworking businessman Mr. Saxena (Utpal Dutt) asserted his principles. But it did NOT end with his son entering the bathroom of doom! One fine day, Saxena comes across Joginder Pal shooting a policeman. Joginder’s father, Pal (Rajan Haksar), is Saxena’s good friend. Pal pleads with Saxena to save his son from the murder rap. Saxena, however, chooses to go with the truth on the witness stand, and Joginder is hanged for murder. Pal blames Saxena for his son’s death, and with his son Prem (Narendra Nath), vows revenge. So, he plays the ‘your testimony killed my son so you are my best friend’ game with Saxena, while plotting a convoluted vendetta.

Coming to the fun part – SHASHI KAPOOR! YAY!!!! What? Oh yeah, we were talking about the movie, before I got distracted by Shashi. The upright Mr. Saxena’s elder son is Ramesh Saxena (Shashi Kapoor), a playboy given to abusing banned substances (nobody could be this perky and cheerful ALL the time, without abusing something!) and women drivers.

After running circles round three beauties in a trippy 60s-sounding RD Burman number, he gets home for a spot of rest around 5:00am. He isnt back early enough, though, because the household is up. His saintly younger brother Suresh (Kiran Kumar) has passed his exams with distinction, and their generous father has gifted him Rs. 500.

Suresh wants to put his monetary gift in a savings account, but his less than saintly elder bro persuades him to use it for a celebration instead. And thats where the bathroom of doom comes into the picture. But wait! I have missed the romance. Between Shashi, err… I meant “RRAMESH SSAAXENA” (the guy likes to roll his Rrrs and drawl his Ssss), and the bathroom of doom, I keep getting sidetracked!

Ramesh’s friend (Viju Khote) wonders why he isnt as popular with the girls as Ramesh is. Ramesh explains that the secret lies in his family wealth. Anxious to score, Viju ‘borrows’ Ramesh’s name and tries to dally with a random beauty. The offended lady screams RAPE and her friend Sheetal (Rinku Jaiswal) vows to teach “Ramesh Saxena” a lesson. Sadly for Ramesh, its he who gets ‘educated’, not his temporary namesake. Sheetal proceeds to head-butt his car (with her jeep, not her head!) and then chases him around the city till his car overturns. A visibly unhurt Ramesh plots a decidedly filmi revenge.

Sheetal is given a message that Ramesh is about to die of his car-related injuries and would like to meet her once. She also finds that it was actually Ramesh’s friend whom she should have car-butted. A regretful Sheetal abjectly apologises to a heavily bandaged and ketchup-ed Ramesh. Of course, Ramesh’s injuries cannot be sustained for long. On her next visit, Sheetal discovers the truth, and runs away after telling Ramesh off for tricking her.

Once home, Sheetal cant get Ramesh out of her mind (join the line, girl!). When she tries to explain to a prospective groom what she wants her fiance to be like, Ramesh’s face keeps popping into her head. Ramesh is a bit quicker on the uptake, and realises that he’s met his Waterloo in Sheetal. Funnily enough, the screen blushes when Ramesh realises he is in love! The two lovers take off for Kashmir where they frolick for a week (looks more like a a few months to me - the weather goes from spring to full blown winter during their trip!).

While he was busy extracting his revenge on Sheetal, Ramesh did not neglect his duty toward his younger brother. He threw a party for Suresh at a club, and himself got busy dancing. Suresh, left alone to sit out the dances, met Prem Pal aka Villain Jr. As part of the Pals’ deep dark conspiracy to ruin Saxena, Prem spilt wine on Suresh’s new suit. When Suresh went to the bathroom to clean up, he met the angel of his doom – Shallu (Sarita) – rising like Venus out of the bath tub. Suresh was so disturbed by this sight that he got drunk in his agitation, and alcoholism wasnt far behind.

Shallu seduces Suresh and introduces him to alcohol and drugs. Suresh proves himself to be a very quick learner. In the one week that it takes brother Ramesh to return from Kashmir, Suresh manages to become a full-blown heroin-addict and needs to be escorted home from a drug den by his enraged Dad. Daddy Saxena blames poor Ramesh for his younger brother’s descent into drug-induced ruin (hah! He KNEW Ramesh was abusing some banned substances!!!) and throws him out.

Now its Ramesh’s turn to get drunk. He passes out on a footpath where Raja Dada (Ranjeet) collects rent from the street-dwellers. Ramesh ends up scuffling with Raja but in his trashed state, comes off worse. Thankfully for him, Sheetal rescues him with a tight slap to Raja. The next day she asks Ramesh to relax whilst she looks for work to support them. Ramesh’s macho pride is roused and he decides to use his neglected engineering degree to earn a living. His method of job-hunting is decidedly un-orthodox, but it seems to work! He’s soon gainfully employed and firing unsatisfactory workers in a factory as well as dishooming Raja (who actually turns out to be a good guy!).

With Ramesh out of the Saxena home and Suresh successfully being controlled by their accomplice Shallu, what is the next step in the Pals’ revenge? To murder Shallu and convince Suresh that Ramesh killed her! This is supposed to get the two brothers to fight each other, and the plan succeeds admirably. What happens then? Will the two brothers ever play dress-up together, again? Will Ramesh and Sheetal stop “living together” and get married, finally? Will Ranjeet, I mean Raja, stop lusting after Ramesh? (He DOES – see the proof below!)

Not one of the best or the most intelligent of movies, its a fun time pass, nonetheless. It’s WTH (What The Heck?!!) quotient is fairly high and the unintended humor will keep you grinning throughout. 70s masala and 70s masala logic, plus RD Burman’s music – what can be more fun than that?

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Saif will be Raj in my fantasy Kuch Kuch Hota Hai spinoff!

The votes are in. The awaam (public) has spoken. Raj will be played by Saif Ali Khan. YAY!!!!

No idea what I am talking about? I am talking of what happened to Anjali (Kajol) after Rahul (Shahrukh Khan) broke her heart and married Tina (Rani Mukherjee). She lived happily-ever after with Raj (Saif Ali Khan) until he died, and then Rahul’s daughter re-united the former friends.

And here’s a sneak-peek at what happens between Anjali (Kajol) and Raj (Saif Ali Khan) when they fall for each other (after Rahul (Shah Rukh Khan) broke her heart) -

Anjali and Raj fall in love:

They have fun on their honeymoon:

Methinks Anjali should have inserted a “regular hair-cut” clause in the marriage vows. Maybe she was just thankful that all that hair was refreshingly bandanna-free?

Just for reference, here’s the break down of the votes:

Saif Khan	33.3%
Abhishek Bachchan	23.3%
Aamir Khan	20%
Akshay Kumar	16.7%
Other	6.7%
Hrithik Roshan	0%

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Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (1998) – help me complete the story!

Yes, you did read correctly. I’ve seen this movie thrice and realised that each time I’ve been fobbed off with an incomplete tale. The missing part has been bothering me for the last 10 years and I’ve finally decided to do something about it. If Karan Johar wont tell it to the world, I WILL! Before we go any further, though, I should warn you about spoilers. If you are the one person in the world who hasnt yet seen the film (and dont want it to be spoiled for you), now is the time to stop reading. Also:

**********Very long post Alert! Poll Ahead.**********

A quick recap of the story before I point out the missing bits: Rahul (Shahrukh Khan) and Anjali (Kajol) are best friends in college when a new girl in their class, Tina (Rani Mukherjee), upsets the cosmic balance. Tina is everything that Anjali is not – she is feminine while Anjali is tomboyish, she is cute and sexy while Anjali is “one of the guys”. Even more important for Rahul, she never even tries to beat him at basketball, something that Anjali does with ease. It doesnt take Rahul long to fall for Tina. Poor clueless Anjali - it takes Rahul’s practise proposal (yes the jerk actually practices on Anjali for his proposal to Tina!) for her to realise how much she loves Rahul. Too late! Rahul and Tina decide to get married. A heartbroken Anjali leaves college and Rahul-Tina’s lives.

Fast forward 1-2 years -Tina dies in childbirth, leaving behind a sad Rahul and a daughter - Anjali. Fast forward some more years and baby Anjali is now annoying brat Anjali who gets regular letters from her Mom every year. Yes, Tina may have died unexpectedly in childbirth but she still managed to write several letters to her daughter and arrange for them to be doled out one letter per year. In her letters, she asks Anjali to get Rahul and his ex-friend Anjali together, since they were teenage BFF and deserve to be together as adults. Anjali sets out on her quest, and of course, accomplishes it in 2 hrs flat! It helps that grown-up Anjali has grown to be terribly feminine, chic and easily defeated at basket ball by Rahul – she has changed but Rahul’s preferences have obviously NOT.

Which brings me to the missing part. The missing years in Anjali’s life, the decade between tomboy Anjali and butterfly Anjali. How did the transformation take place? Did she get Styled By Jury, get advise on What Not To Wear? Or did she audition for Indian Idol? Neither of the above. Anjali just lived and grew up and yes, FELL IN LOVE. How do I know? Coz Anjali told me about those missing years in her life. She is very upset with KJo for depicting her as someone who spent 10 years pining away for a teenage crush and then almost settled for Salman! So here is Anjali’s story, in her own words:

          I came home from college heartbroken at Rahul’s marriage. Back at home, there was no time to pine. By the time I got home, Dad had passed away and Mom needed all my support. Dad’s investments hadnt been productive recently, and the family fortunes were dwindling. So I was too busy worrying over finances and job-hunting to have time to be properly heartbroken!

         Luckily for me, Dad’s boss was willing to take me on as a trainee in his ad agency. And thats where I met Raj – he was handsome, mature (in outlook, not age!), caring and always opened doors for me. In short, he was everything that Rahul was NOT! Maybe it was the result of the new “professional” wardrobe Maa had insisted I buy. Maybe it was because he and I hadnt spent years hand-wrestling. Whatever the reason, to him I was never “one of the guys”.

              One evening, I ran into Raj in Archies Gallery, browsing for birthday cards. We began chatting and continued over a cup of coffee. That chance meeting led to meetings by arrangement and very soon I realised that he was becoming the friend that I had lost in Rahul and more, MUCH more! And when he gifted me a Shahrukh poster (from Archies) on my birthday, I knew he loved me too. When Raj’s Mom came over to our place to meet me and talk to Mum about our marriage, I was over the moon! Mum wasnt too keen on an ad-agency damaad, but changed her tune when she met Raj.

      A lovely wedding and three happy years followed. Raj and I lived happily ever after - snuggling, bickering, dreaming grand dreams, having fun. Sadly, our happy life was cut short by one drunk truck driver behind the wheel of a speeding truck. The doctors said that Raj died instantly, without any pain. But there was no end to my pain. All our dreams of the future, our shared laughter, our planned children, all lost in a moment. My best friend gone for ever!

         As they say, life goes on. Mama refused to let me give up, and my job was a big help. When Mala Aunty pushed me to work at their annual summer camp for children, I agreed just to stop her nagging. It was something that I soon came to look forward to, though. The children were fun and kept me too busy to think about anything else. And then there was Aman… But you know all about him and how I met Rahul again, and about darling little Anjali.

To each their own. Personally, I’d rather stay away from step daughters of the Anjali breed, but then, the two Anjalis perhaps bond over their shared name and Tina’s letters!

Thats the missing part that I wish KJo had also filmed, back then. If only wishes were horses… But I AM going to film this, at least in my fantasies, and you will help me. Lets assume its early 2000s and the film has to be cast, who would you choose to play Raj? Here’s a list of my favorite candidates (in no particular order).

Aamir Khan: My favorite 90s romantic leading man – he certainly had the looks and by late 90s, even the acting chops for it. This would be the kind of role he's never attempted and we all know how much Aamir loves a challenge!

Akshay Kumar: Yes, this Khiladi Kumar, CAN do the sensitive, mature, romantic lead. Check him out in Yeh Dillagi where he carried it off so well! AND he is soooooo good looking, too. No I am not getting carried away, the script does require a good looking Raj!

Saif Ali Khan: My favorite 2000s leading man, he sure can act and once Dil Chaahta Hai happened, he magically had the looks, too! Though his career hasnt exactly been littered with roles distinguished for their mature and sensible character, I am sure Chhote Nawab is capable of playing something other than the clueless but adorable idiot he specialises in.

Hrithik Roshan: The looks, he has them in plenty, and his dancing skills are to die for. Who needs acting from such a pretty face? Not ME! :-D Not that I think he is a complete slouch in the acting department, but one forgets the need for that when faced with that fair-and-lovely face.

Abhishek Bachchan: The dark horse. Not in the same league acting-wise as Saif or looks-wise as Hrithik, but there is something about him that is soooo appealing. Also, he has previous experience in the kind of role we are casting - he did the mature, loving boyfriend/hubby in Hum Tum so well. Plus, he seems like a fun guy to hang out with - definitely boy friend material back in the early 2000s, wouldnt ya say?

Which of these according to you, would make the best Raj? Anybody else you’d choose to sweep Anjali off her feet? Do cast your vote – we need to get my fantasy prequel/sequel cast as quickly as possible!

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Naya Andaz (1956)

A song from this has been a long time favorite (Meri neendon mein tum). That, and the pull of bubbly young Meena Kumari, finally tempted me into watching this film. Its a sweet, lighthearted film that has, for some inexplicable reason, roused fRIENDS to fury. The print is terrible, the picture rolls on the screen or gets blanked out by bright lines, and the film’s reels are not put together in the right order. There are parts that remain a mystery in the first disc and light suddenly dawns in the second disc, because 15 minutes that were mysteriously missing in disc 1 are part of disc 2! And no, its NOT an experiment in a non-linear narrative! AARGHH!!!!

Shivcharan ‘Chand’ (Kishore Kumar) is of a poetic bent and gets his propensity for spouting poetry from his father (Murad). While Murad (I didnt catch the character’s name) is a poet of the old school who likes to spout social poetry, Chand (as Shivcharan styles himself) writes the chalta sikka (walking coin!) or popular kind of poetry. So deeply poetic is he that he even answers questions in his college exams with poetry. Needless to say, he flunks.

On a chance visit to the theatre, Chand sees the lovely Mala (Meena Kumari) dancing and is instantly smitten. And that shows him his career path – he must write songs for her! (Another man who would like to see Meena Kumari dance to his tune?) To this end, his friend Karim (Johnny Walker) and he wangle their way into a theatre owner’s home. The very fact that the theatre owner – Ashok - is played by Pran, in a sinister wig with a smoking pipe, ought to mean some devilry is afoot.

Funnily enough, Chand’s tragedy comes from another quarter! Ashok happily sits down to hear Chand’s poetry. Just outside Ashok’s house, a public meeting is in progress where Murad is reciting his poetry. When Chand begins to sing his verses, the crowd deserts Murad to stand beneath Ashok’s balcony! It IS Kishore - his poetry recital, even with just a harmonium and dholak, is very tuneful. Murad recognises his son’s voice and verse, and goes in to drag him out of the house of (potential) sin. In the ensuing scene, Chand is slapped by his Dad. The insulted Chand resolves to leave home and seek his fortune independently. Good friend that he is, Karim decides to accompany him.

On the road to fortune, they have various adventures, before striking it rich. Among other things, they fall in with a gypsy band who speak pidgin Hindi. Karim takes a shine to the leader’s daughter Lali (Kumkum) and her predilection for sharp knives. When Chand and Karim decide to leave their gypsy friends and seek their fortune in the theatre, Lali comes with them.

Next thing we know, the three of them are gainfully employed at Ashok’s theatre and Chand is stepping out with Mala - the star of Ashok’s company! The mystery is explained in disc 2. Mala had heard Chand’s open-air performance and brought his song into her act (so thats where Pritam and Anu Malik learned how to be… err… creative!). When Chand realised that, he staged a free open air performance outside Ashok’s theatre. He drew huge crowds and promised them free performances every evening. Ashok, worried at losing his audience, sent his manager (Gope) to Chand with an offer of employment in his theatre.

Chand managed to negotiate a great contract that not only gave him and his friends (Karim and Lali) big salaries, it also allowed him to call for rehearsals any time he pleased! (Our staff union could do with negotiators like him.) Considering that his fellow rehearsee was Mala, Chand was pleased to call rehearsals at odd times and at his home! And he made good use of his opportunities – Mala was soon as smitten with him as he was with her.

Poor Ashok – by the time he realises that his adored Mala is looking at a man, its already too late. He does his best to separate Mala and Chand. He horrifies Mala with an unwelcome declaration of love and then causes her to be imprisoned by her brutish brother Brij (Jayant). He dismisses Chand and spreads false tales about him to ruin his career. Nothing seems to go right for either of the lovers. Ashok is finally, gloriously, EVIL Pran, and manages to rain on all their parties. Will the two lovers ever get together? Will Pran take off his wig? Will Kishore stop trying to imitate K L Sehgal AND Rafi VERY badly? Thankfully for my ears, the answer to the last one is a resounding YES! For the rest, you will just have to watch the film yourself.

Meena Kumari was lovely in the film, but apart from a couple of dramatic scenes, doesnt really have a lot to do. The main action centres around Kishore and he is pretty good here. His acting is understated and his hijinks are very restrained. Plus, his dancing puts Meena’s in the shade! Johnny Walker was great as usual. Kumkum though, was totally wasted – she didnt get to show off her dancing much, and her pidgin Hindi got on my nerves. On the plus side, the songs were lovely (except for the one Kishore number) and there were lots of good moments of lighthearted humor.

Overall, it was a pleasant film. Is it worth braving a fRIENDS VCD to watch it? Not unless you are a big fan of any of the principle actors!

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Flavors (2003) – the joys of NRI life

Flavors, as the name suggests, offers a flavor of what life is like for Indians newly come to USA – in several different flavors. Its a candid but very sweet and funny look at the trials and joys of the much coveted (in India) NRI life. We get to meet a group of loosely related characters, mostly IT professionals, living on the East coast. We see them all at a wedding and then go back in time to share moments of their life over three weeks as they all converge to meet at the wedding.

There is the quirky Kartik (Reef Malik) who spends most of his time with his not-girlfriend Rachna (Pooja Kumar) on the phone. Thats right, they spend every evening together, on the phone. (I hope they have a good calling plan or a very fat bank balance, at the very least!). They talk about his and her work, friends, life, etc – everything that really good friends talk about. And when Rachna faces a disappointment at work, Kartik arranges to give her a candle-lit dinner complete with Chicken hakka noodles and soft music – also through the magic phone. Still, Rachna is unwilling to consider Kartik as a serious contender in the marital stakes. He just isnt serious enough to be good husband material (?!!!).

Rachna is however, willing to consider the boring Ramana Dasarakothapalli (Manan Katohara) as good marriage material. Why? Coz her match-making Aunt introduced him? No. Its because the guy is willing to make jokes about his long name and ask her some serious questions, “What are your hobbies and interests?”

Then there is Candy (Rishma Malik) and her untidy, out-of-work housemates - Jas (Gaurav Rawal), Vivek (Mohit Shah) and Ashok (Punit Jasuja). The guys have been recently laid off in the wake of the IT slowdown (its 2003 after all!) and are all desperately seeking new jobs. All, that is, except for Vivek. He is busy pining for unrequited and very, VERY, unspoken love for a girl back in India!

There’s one more of the unemployed IT professionals – Nikhil (Gaurang Vyas) - who also gets laid off and is very angry about the whole thing. He lets lose with several colorful swear words that we(sadly) dont get to hear because they’ve been censored out! He is confident of finding a new job pretty soon, though, and is too busy with work to spend much time with his new wife Sangita (Sireesha Katragadda). So poor Sangita is effectively “married but single”. She spends time cleaning and polishing her lovely house and is so tired of her own company that she gladly welcomes a pair of Jehovah’s Witnesses who come to her door!

This brings us to the final character in this group - Rads (Anupam Mittal) a successful IT professional who is getting married to his American girl friend Jenni (Jicki Schnee). Its the Rads-Jenni wedding that brings all our friends together and starts out the film. And the two are also responsible for bringing my favorite small-screen couple Mr and Mrs Wagle (Anjan Srivastava and Bharti Achrekar) back on screen. Anjan and Bharti play Rads’ parents – Mr and Mrs Gopalkrishna – and are by far my favorite characters in the film. Their endearing efforts to adjust to life and customs in US, their surprise at the cultural differences between India and the West, AND Mr. Gopalkrishna’s daily quest for a newspaper, reminds me of my own parents’ visits to Canada!

The Gopalkrishnas’ mutual affection and love for their son shines through their sometimes clumsy attempts to connect with their prospective daughter-in-law. They are so cute and endearing that I am not surprised when Jenni agrees to cover her tank-top with a cardigan for their “photos for India”, nor when she happily agrees to add on some Indian traditions in their American-style wedding.

There isnt much of a plot – just a series of loosely connected incidents that allow you to get to know everyone without any lengthy exposition. Though fairly typical of the newly arrived Indian professionals in US, the characters are hardly stereotypes. In Nikhil, Jas, Ashok, Rads, Rachna and Sangita, you will definitely recognise at least some of your Indian acquaintance/friends in North America and in the Gopalkrishnas you will recognise many an Indian parent!

Do give it a try. Its an engaging, amusing and heartwarming film that leaves a smile on your face, long after you’ve seen it! (You can watch it for free at Big Flix. The film is almost entirely in English, with a few stray Hindi and Telugu dialogues that are well subtitled.)

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Casino Royale (1967) – Its raining Bonds, halleluja!

It is James Bond on weed – i.e., a Bond movie made entirely by a cast and crew who were high on weed! Its psychedelic, its wackadoo, AND has almost as many famous cameos/guest appearances as Deewangi deewangi! There is no coherent plot and nothing makes any sense. And yet, strangely enough, its a lot of fun while it lasts. It really must be seen to be believed, but I’ll try my hand at describing what I recall from my first viewing, yesterday.

The original 007, now Sir James Bond (David Niven) has long retired. The franchise, however, has been kept running by the MI-6 - they needed the respect that only a 007 could bring to the service! Unlike the garden variety Bond that MI-6 has introduced to the service, the original was a “member of a select and immaculate priesthood, vocationally devoted and sublimely disinterested”. Sir James strongly disapproves of the “sexual acrobatics” and “wretched gadgets” of his current successor, and tells M (John Huston) so, when the latter visits him along with the heads of 3 other great espionage agencies – Ransome of CIA (William Holden), Smernov of KGB (Kurt Kaszner) and Le Grand of Deuxième Bureau (Charles Boyer). Turns out the espionage agencies have been losing agents right, left and centre (pun intended) and want Sir James to help. When he refuses, his home is blown up on M’s orders. M is also killed.

Cut to SMERSH headquarters where “Plan B” is put into action: M (or MacTarry, to give him his full name) had a castle in Scotland which is now occupied by SMERSH agents, one of whom - agent Mimi (Deborah Kerr) – pretends to be M’s widow Lady Fiona.

Sir James proceeds to MacTarry Castle to condole with “Lady Fiona” and is amazed to find the castle choc-a-bloc with nubile teenagers who all claim to be M’s daughters, and insist on bathing and undressing him! Sir James resists all advances, and even refuses to give the widow her due (a ceremonial night in her bed!). The angry Lady Fiona gets him to “wassle” – a game of passing-and-breaking-the-ball that is played with STONE footballs! Sir James acquits himself so well that Mimi/Fiona falls for him. There follows a bizarre grouse shoot where the grouse attempt to kill him, and then Mimi decides to take the veil when Sir James refuses to reciprocate her affections.

Unfazed by all the drama, Sir James starts off for London. En route, he foils more attempts on his life. Once in London, he takes over as head of MI-6 and orders an AFSD (anti female spy device) to fight SMERSH’s platoon of female spies. Moneypenny (Barbara Bouchet) vets all presentable spies for their attractiveness to females. The lucky candidate – Cooper (Terence Cooper) – is named Bond 007 and trained in the art of resisting female seduction.

So now we have three Bonds – Sir James, the AFSD Bond, and Sir James’ goofy nephew Jimmy Bond (Woody Allen). I forgot to mention Jimmy didnt I? There was just so much going on, its hard to remember everything! Anyway, three Bonds arent enough - one to run the MI6, one to resist the female-spy invasion, and one to goof off. We still need more to save the world! Enter Evelyn Tremble (Peter Sellers), a treasury clerk who knows how to gamble. Vesper Lynd (Ursula Andress) is deputed by Sir James to seduce recruit Evelyn for gambling against SMERSH sponsored gambler Le Chiffre (Orson Welles). Once recruited, both Vesper and Evelyn also become Bond 007s. So the Bond count is now up to 5.

But wait… I am forgetting another important Bond - Mata Bond (Joanna Pettet). In case you havent guessed from the name, she is the daughter of Sir James Bond and Mata Hari! She is brought in for – I forget… By this point, I gave up even my half-hearted attempts to keep up with the non-existent plot or keep track of the number of Bonds in there (there were several Bonds-in-training at the 007 Bond Training School, too). I just went with the flow and wallowed in the cheesy craziness that was The Royale.

There were bizarre stunts, sets that beat any 70s villain-lair in their over-the-top craziness and splendor, and all sorts of people kept popping up. Much of the craziness was explained in the special features section – the movie was directed by at least 5 different directors and the script was re-written (several times) to accomodate the directors’ whims, the major actors’s whims (Peter Sellers was apparently the most difficult of the lot), as well as give a part to any other famous actor the directors could rope in for a cameo/guest appearance! No wonder nothing made sense!!!! Well, it may be a lesson in how NOT to make a movie, but its a fun ride and definitely worth a watch. Just remember to check your brain at the door before you step into Casino Royale!

And because I'd hate to waste all my screencaps, here’s some of the bizarre and the beautiful from the film:

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Rakhwala (1971) - eye candy plus!

I have been laid up with a nasty strep-throat the last few weeks and have been on the lookout for good masala movies to improve my outlook on life. This one would gladden the hardest of cold-infested hearts – it has beautiful people (Dharmendra, Vinod Khanna, Leena Chandvarkar), lovely songs and a plot that one can happily neglect to enjoy all the pretty in the film. And just so you can concentrate on the all the eye candy when you watch the film, I’ll provide the plot outline, here.

The film starts with a boxing match where handsome young man #1 - Deepak (Dharmendra) - is volunteered by his dopey friend Gopi (Jagdeep) to fight an angry boxer (Shetty). Much to the surprise of the the organisers – Seth Jwalaprasad (Madan Puri) and handsome young man #2, i.e., Shyam (Vinod Khanna) – Deepak wins! Impressed by his fighting skills, Jwalaprasad employs him as his driver.

A visibly jubilant Deepak (maybe, like me, he’d love to be in daily contact with Shyam? ;-D) runs home to impart the joyous news to his MAA who does not share his joy. But apart from telling him that she hasnt heard good things about Jwalaprasad, she does nothing but rouse the viewer’s curiosity about the story behind her dislike of the guy. The possession of a white-saree-clad MAA may already indicate to the seasoned masala-fan that Deepak is a GOOD guy. But just to get the message home, we see that he is also a loving brother who is supporting his younger brother Suresh (Rakesh Pandey) through a luxurious college education.

On his first day at work, Deepak runs into Jwalaprasad’s daughter Chandni (Leena Chandvarkar). Turns out that they were college friends and Deepak had saved her from a watery grave - an incident that had kindled a brief romance. Their altered circumstances do not stop Chandni from trying to rekindle the romance, and she manages to convince Deepak, pretty fast.

Meanwhile, lets see what handsome young man #2 (Shyam) is up to. If Deepak is a good guy, Shyam is the exact opposite. He is Jwalaprasad’s partner in most crimes, and such a wicked character that Jwalaprasad refuses to give him his daughter in marriage. Shyam must, of course, give a better demonstration of his wickedness, and does so by trying to molest a beautiful lady-doctor. Fortunately for her, Deepak arrives in time to save her from her fate-worse-than-death and makes an implacable enemy of Shyam.

Deepak returns home from his doctor-saving-mission, only to find himself at his mother’s deathbed. (?!!) She lives long enough to tell Deepak the big secret about his brother Suresh, who is actually her brother’s son. Suresh’s father was a rich businessman in Africa. He made a will nominating his trusted employee Jwalaprasad to be his son’s guardian and trustee of his properties. Needless to say, the trusting businessman was soon murdered by Jwalaprasad. Suresh, then a toddler, was saved by a loyal servant who brought him safely to his Aunt (Deepak’s Mom) in India. This touching death-bed scene (and confession) is witnessed by Shyam who had come to avenge the honor he was NOT able to loot!

Shyam is happy to know that Jwalaprasad was involved in a crime that he himself isnt implicated in. It gives him a hold over Jwalaprasad that he means to put to good use – to get Chandni as a bride. Jwalaprasad, threatened by the noose (surely one needs PROOF for a conviction, let alone a death sentence?), reluctantly agrees to talk to Chandni. That intrepid girl however, has made up her mind – its Deepak and nobody else for her. After some family drama involving the police, the two do get married.

Chandni and Deepak’s blissful married life is soon interrupted by Shyam’s goons, and then by Shyam-Jwalaprasad’s schemes. Suresh has been kept ignorant of his father’s fate and Jwalaprasad’s role in that – an ignorance that suits Shyam-Jwalaprasad’s purposes very well. They convince Suresh that Jwalaprasad has been just a benevolent custodian of his father’s wealth and soon create a rift between the two brothers. Suresh is also introduced (and is soon addicted) to, drinking and gambling. But that isnt all – the evil duo manage to murder Suresh and have Deepak accused of it!

Phew! Apart from a surprise twist at the end (and a comic side plot involving Jagdeep, that I fast-forwarded through), that is ALL of the plot. It does seem like there is a lot going on, with a hearty serving of standard masala-plot elements. Most of the plot elements, however, arent well connected. There are glaring plot-holes that disturb the flow of the story. And the surprise twist at the end comes out of nowhere and doesnt make any sense whatsoever.

I for one would much prefer to concentrate on all the pretty – Vinod Khanna looking way too hot to be the evil guy, Garam Dharam attempting to dance and Leena’s cute smiles! Musnt forget the lovely songs. Here they are: Dil ne dil se na jaane kya kaha, Mere dil ne jo maanga, Rahne do rahne do, Yeh kaisi maine.

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