The Other End of the Line (2008) – A call centre romance!

Granger Woodruff (Jesse Metcalfe) is in trouble, deep trouble. Not only is he about to lose a crucial advertising contract, but his latest credit card bills are going to cost him a lot more than several grand in money – he will lose his heart to his credit card company! Strange as this may sound, it is TRUE. All you cute singletons with credit-card problems, read the following and be aware of the evils of your situation.

Granger is at the end of a really bad day. He almost lost a prestigious ad contract for the Hawksin Hotel because hotel supremo Kit Hawksin (Larry Miller) didnt like to see passion onscreen (is he the chairman of the Indian censor board?). And then his credit card company called to let him know that his card was suspended because of suspicious activity in his account!

Heavenly masala movie-making…

The resounding success of Slumdog Millionaire has temporarily transported Danny Boyle to seventh heaven – a plane not unfamiliar to many of Bollywood’s great directors. While there, DB happened to bump into a permanent resident of the heavenly spheres – masala-maestro Manmohan Desai. Here’s what they talked about:

MD: Danny, my boy, the world needs more masala. The future of films rests on masala.

DB: You’re so right, Man ji. In Slumdog Millionaire, I tried to reproduce your formula with a few innovations. I hope you liked it.

MD: Aah Danny… Innovation is the death of masala. Always remember that. 

DB (taken aback): but…

MD (ignoring the interruption): And when you make a good curry, you DONT STINT ON THE MASALA.

DB (determinedly interrupting): The Laws of Masala Movie Making say that certain departures from formula are allowed. And I did NOT stint on masala. There was poverty, cute kids undergoing extreme hardship, separation and re-unions (I had more re-unions in 10 minutes than you had in one whole film!), unbelievable co-incidences, loathsome villains, destiny, romance, and above all, rags-to-riches and happily-ever after! Thats the required masala allowance.

MD’s smile is a study in patience. Here’s a man, it seems to say, who needs to be taught the ABC of masala. Ever generous, MD is willing to teach this new kid-on-the-block the delicate art of masala movie-making.

MD: Let me enumerate the sacred masala rules you’ve broken:

The Far Pavilions (1984) – Raj romance or Raj masala?

Based on M M Kaye’s novel of the same name, this miniseries is a lavish period piece set in 1870’s India with a galaxy of stars – Sir John Gielgud, Omar Sharif, Christopher Lee, Saeed Jaffrey, Parikshit Sahni, Jennifer Kendall, Vinod Nagpal, Art Malik, etc. There is a strong thread of lost-and-found along with forbidden love-affairs, battle scenes and of course, lavish sets and costumes – in short the recommended masala allowance and then some!

Warning: Epic-length post with many spoilers ahead!

The story begins in 1865 when 11 year old Ashok makes his way into the head quarters of the Queen’s Own Corps of Guides at Mardan (North West India). Dodging the guards, he manages to hand over a package to the commandant (Robert Hardy). The package contains proof that he is really Ashton Pelham-Martyn, son of late Hilary Pelham-Martyn, and a British subject.

Bride and Prejudice (2004) - Jane Austen gets spiced up

The title says it all. The movie has lots of brides, brides-in-waiting, brides-to-be (there are grooms too, of course, but they don’t really amount to much) and a truckload of prejudices. The movie is roughly based on Jane Austen’s romantic comedy Pride and Prejudice. By roughly, I mean that Austen’s story comes in for some rough handling here. However, we will ignore Jane’s hurt sensibilities at the mangling of her novel and enjoy this adaptation on its masala merits! Those of you who are familiar with Pride and Prejudice probably don’t need to be told the plot. Those who aren’t, you need to read the book ASAP or proceed with reading the rest of this post.

Clueless-but-Cute-American William Darcy (Martin Henderson) comes to Hicksville, India (Amritsar to the uninitiated; and the appellation is his, not mine!) to attend a friend’s wedding. Also with him are his friends the Anglophilic Indians (Naveen Andrews and Indira Varma) who rejoice in the Indian names of Balraj and Kiran Bingley. You may charitably conclude that they are the Indian descendants of Austen's Bingleys who settled in London's high society.

Bombay Talkie (1970)

I read about the movie at Merchant-Ivory Productions' website and couldnt wait to see it. The cast included my favorite Shashi Kapoor, playing the role that he was born to play - a successful, womanising, film star. Shashi in a negative role - that was something I had never seen before! Consequently my expectations were rather high when I began watching and it might be argued that I was doomed to disappointment!

The movie began very promisingly with Helen dancing on a giant typewriter. A song was being shot for a Hindi movie starring the successful actor Vikram (Shashi Kapoor). Come to watch the shooting was Lucia Lane (Jennifer Kendall) a famous American writer. Now, Lucia is the archetypal American writer - she is much married, middle aged, hungry for romance and utterly shallow, selfish and self-centred. (Did she have to be such a stereotype?) She also has a British accent that puzzled me until it was explained away later in the movie - she was actually English but settled down in USA.