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Saturday, October 9, 2010

Sense and Sensuality: advice from THE Diva (part I)

Readers we have such a treat for you during Rekhatober! The reclusive star has graciously agreed to do a question and answer column during this month-long blog-wide celebration of her awesomeness. You may not know, but Rekha-ji has been instrumental in guiding several of her younger colleagues and has often given great advice to her co-stars. Here are some examples (check out Beth Loves Bollywood for part II):

Aakchhoo Kumar: Rekha-ji, pairi pona (touching your feet). You know I have been Bollywood’s #1 Khiladi since the 90s, but in just 2 decades, my popularity is dying! What do I do to appeal to the younger generation?
Rekha: Get younger! Seriously Aakchhoo! Haven’t I told you this again and again? Jeez, you need to start romancing older women or working with Salmon. In fact, scratch the older woman, just work with Salmon. Nothing makes a man look younger and more handsome than if he is with Sallu bhai! Of course, if you want to go the “evergreen” way, just visit the Dev Anand Green Youth Foundation (not that I recommend it).

Rainy Muck-err-ji: Rekha-ji, pranaam. My career is stalled. My love-life is boring. What do I do?
Rekha: Remember what Gandhi-ji said? When in doubt, think of the weakest, poorest actress of your times. And ask yourself - what would Kajol have done.

Aimee-tab: Main aur meri tanhayi aksar yeh baatein karte hain “Me and my loneliness, we often talk of this.” (From Silsila)
Rekha: Oh so that’s why your phone is always so busy? If you would only hang-up sometime, I could talk to you, too!

Gabbar: Kitne aadmi the? (From Sholay - “How many men were there?”)
Rekha: My private life is my own affair!

*Answer my questions, please do…

Zoo-whine Khan: Rekha-ji, I have heard through reliable sources that I might be up for a Silver Lotus Award for my role in the epically epic Veer. How should I react to the news when I get my official notice?
Rekha: Winning a Silver Lotus was a glorious achievement in our times. It put one in the company of artists like Nargis, Shabana Azmi, and Smita Patil. But now, my dear, even Ms. Piggy Chops can get one <eyeroll>, so I would not be surprised if this gossip is correct. I recommend you at least look like you deserve the award and start shopping around for the perfect accessory (a well-dressed man).

Hrithik: Hi Rekha-ji. How do I get the critics to appreciate my acting skills?
Rekha: I suggest you follow Aamir’s hair-raising acting methods. He has pioneered the art of method-acting and shown that a man’s hair is the most important aspect of a Serious Actor’s repertoire. So go on, shave your glorious locks. Nothing says “serious” like a bald Greek god. You’ll knock the socks off the critics.

Care-eena: Rekha-ji, how do I handle having a famous boyfriend? He is as successful as I am!
Rekha: Keep going as you are! Getting him into that bandanna was a stroke of genius. Try to get him to grow out his hair again and return to his “anari” days. And remember, men need to be shown who’s the boss - so be firm and don’t let him wear too many well-tailored suits or get away with a good hair cut.

Vee-dee-aah Belan: Both of our names have appeared on “What is she WEARING?!?” lists over the years. How can I learn to hold my head high like you do?
Rekha: I suggest you practise walking on high heels with a heavy book balanced on your head. Your head wouldn’t dare to droop. In the meantime, I recommend a good perm and hair-updo - it can add inches to your head! Plus people will be too busy gawping at your unique hairstyle to worry about what your head (or the rest of you) is wearing.

Ash-weary-aah: Dearest auntie! Why do people keep harping on your Umrao Jaan when I did such a good job of being the sad courtesan? <giggle giggle>
Rekha: It’s because when I did the part, I was thinking about having to lust after Shekhar Suman! You can’t believe how well it brought out the sadness in my courtesan. You should’ve been thinking of your costumes in Endhiran (and having to make sexy faces at a 60-year-old uncle-bot) when you did UJ. The Silver Lotus would have beaten a path to your door.

And stars aren’t the only ones who can get advise from The Diva. She has agreed to answer the reader’s question through her columns here and at Beth Loves Bollywood. So if you have love troubles, fashion troubles, life troubles, or just want to ask her something, post your questions (advice only, please - this isn't an interview!) in the comments and Beth and I will be sure she receives them, and will share her answers.


  1. Ha ha!!! Rekha as Agony Aunt. PERF.

  2. Omigosh absolutely hilarious! Wonder what Rekha will have to say when she reads this ;)

  3. memsaab, she is very well qualified for it! :D

    Sharmi, answer all our question, naturally! She can't possibly not help out all her online fans. :D

  4. Heh!!! I'm loving this. I just wonder what sort of sartorial/style advice Rekha'd dispense to the other people mentioned here, but not listed. Salman Khan? Kajol? Kareena herself (not Saif)? Oh, and a younger Rekha - the plump and somewhat bovine person in films like Rampur ka Lakshman?

  5. this is just simply, utterly perfect- lovely!

  6. dustedoff, she'd probably have to recommend a complete overhaul (and de-botoxification) for Sallu bhai, but she just might be able to whip Kajol and Kareena into shape! :D And older Rekha is the perfect example of an agony Aunt taking her own advice. Guess that's what Divas are made of.

    Shweta, Banno, thank you! :D

  7. Rekhaji, namaste!
    I don't have time for my blog, what to do?

  8. harvey, you and me, both! Here's what Rekha has to say to people like us:

    You are clearly letting silly things - like work, social commitments, chores, etc. - interfere with what is important in life. There is no tactful way to put it, so I will be blunt. You need to stop everything and watch movies, and write about them!

    *Gulp* You are so right Rekh-ji. I will stop working and start watching, pronto!

    samir, thank you! :D

  9. Thik kaha Rekhaji!
    Mein abhi picture dekhne jata hu!

  10. The 'Umrao Jaan' bit about plastic Ash was a stroke of genius!!Lusting over Mover Shekkar is truly cry-worthy!! Ha Ha Ha!!

  11. Thank you, KS! :D I do hope to review Utsav for Rekhatober - so poor Rekha is going to have to cry some more!!

  12. Rekhaji - clearly you are wise beyond your years. Thank you for providing OldisGold with your wisdom so she could post one helluva great post!

  13. Shell, Rekha-ji is happy to know that her wisdom is recognised even in Canada! ;D

  14. Mirror Rekha on the wall-
    If you were to choose the most sensible person in Bollywood, who would you pick? And the most sensual?
    BTW, Was it you who suggested that great work of art showing Kajol outdoing SRK? I loved it!

  15. yves, certainly Rekha-ji pointed me in the direction of the Kajol video. She is all-knowing and on her way to be declared the Oracle of Bollywood! She feels that classifying Bollywood people as 'sensible' adversely affects their image. So she declines to answer that question. The most sensual? Of course it's she herself! She is surprised that you had to ask that!!!